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Missions[]

Mystery Island[]

Costume 1[]

"Hey, you! Crash Bandicoot! Hey, yeah, listen! I got a deal for ya! Yesterday, some adventurer schmuck thought he could race the tracks 'and find the missing power gems'! Oh! Well, there ain't much left of him except these slightly used adventurer duds. [laughs] I'd give them to you, but 'I got little gas masks to feed'! Oh! And the suit won't cost you a treasure. Get it?"

"Hey, Crash, what happened? Didn't I tell you that I gots little gas masks to feed? Have you any idea how much a gas mask breathes these days?! Sheesh! Come back when you have 'more coins, okay'?"

"Come on, kid, that still ain't enough! You're killing me! This suit is fresh I tells ya! [sniffs] Whew! Yep, still fresh! Oh! Come back and see me when you have 'more coins'."

"OK kid, one more time! Read my lips: YOU NEED! MORE! COINSSSSSSSS!! These adventurer costumes 'don't grow on trees, Crash'!"

"Hey there, look at what we got here now! This is what I call a fair price! Get it? I gotta hand it to you kid, you're gonna look 'pretty sharp'! I just hope you do a little better than that suit's last occupant. Don't ask me what happened."

Costume 2[]

"Excuse me, dear fellow, I seemed to have found this rather sinister Evil Crash outfit. I would never use it as it's not part of my character. Besides, it doesn't fit in the derriere, pity. I do think it would work wonders on you, dear boy. For mere talents, you may purchase it to commit evil deeds."

"Now hear here, what kind of establishment do you think I'm running, you hooligan? Come back when you acquire the proper amount, peasant."

"Rather! Now come on boy, this is embarrassing! You haven't enough coin of the realm! Come back whenst thou acquire more."

"See son, do try to use the mind Dr. Cortex gave you. This is still not enough to purchase this finely tailored suit! Do come back when you have more funds."

"Cheers! Now that's what I call a fine deal! This will look smashing on you, dear boy. Now don't have too much fun with it. Cheerio!"

Costume 3[]

"Hey, man, you trying to sneak around in forbidden areas, but can't because of your huge head, and bright yellow skin?"

"Or is someone you know trying to?"

"Well, then do I have a treat for you. Park Technologies is selling the latest in urban spyware, the Ninja-Matic 3000, right. You can buy it for barely two pence, whatever those are."

"Oh, sorry, sir. There is no way I'm letting this go without a little more coin on your part. But, don't worry. Here at Von Clutch Enterprises, we don't care where you get the money, just that you have enough."

"Maybe I wasn't clear enough, sir. You. Need. More. Money. Really, yeah, go get it."

"Oh, no, come on. You're just gettin' on me pecks, whatever they are."

"Eh, good stuff, lad. With this, your yellow-skinned friend will be sneakin' around to his little heart's content. Perhaps he'll even reward you for your troubles. But probably not."

Power Crystal 1[]

"Psst, Crash, you want my crystal? Good and cheap like new, but not- used very little. You give me coins, I give to you."

"What is this? [laughs] You make me laugh! Surely is joke, no? To offer such small monies for so wonderful a thing! You are, how you say, eh, an idiot."

"Again, you come here and bother me. [mumbles] Why? Are you lonely or just stupid? I think stupid."

"Oh, just do what I ask! There is fur on your brain too, I think."

"Ohhh, big spender with lots of money wants to buy beautiful crystal, no? Is good! Now, I retire to fabulous island and never return to this trash-heap country! Look, little buddy, we're there to put your granny in soap bubbles, you call that space program? I laugh! [laughs]"

Power Crystal 2[]

"Hey buddy, you lookin' for a good Power Crystal? I found this the other day, if you get what I mean."

"I found it. It's mine now! It wasn't before. Look at me, I'm winking!"

"Bring me a mess of coins and it's yours. And if you see that cheapskate Von Clutch, tell him he should pay his workers better. Ten years of graduate school, I have to dress this bad at work."

"Great, another wiseguy! That's just great. I like standing here hocking crystals! Glad you figured that out."

"Back again? What's the matter, you don't have enough to do?"

"Oh, just get out of here already!"

"Hey, now we're talking! Finally, I can afford some real clothes! I don't have to stand around here looking like a chud."

Happily After Faster[]

Costume 1[]

"Yay, verily sir! Art thou having a fine time in Stinkabelle's kingdom? Perhaps a souvenir of your visit is in order. I dare say, your sister wouldst well love this fine outfit."

"It means these clothes are nice, so you should buy them for your sister, idiot."

"Forgive me, kind idiot, but I fear thine purse is too light to buy these clothes. Return when thine money has become grand."

"It means you don't have enough money, chump, so beat it before I scalp you and take a gander at your brain."

"Privee nave, may have you should heed my words and get out of here already!"

"I'm through talking with you my fuzzy sir. I've known cheeses with more common sense! Get more coins and return post-haste."

"Good sir, thou has done a great thing this day! Thine sister will dance hither and yon in these beautiful robes!"

"Oh just get out of here you freak!"

Costume 2[]

"Ha ha hey! You're that Crush Bandicooter fellow ain't ya? Well, I've got a little something for that private dancer in your life. This here pink ballerina number is perfect for any man or mutant and I'll let it go for a very reasonable price."

"Hmmm, so you're dumb and ugly are ya? You need a little more cash if you want to get this state-of-the-art bit of souveniredge."

"Hello there, maybe I wasn't clear enough. Maybe you don't speak Texan. I need more money! This isn't enough! This is less than what I need, comprende? The amount I need is more than what you have, mm-hmm. Get yourself an accountant, freak."

"Look, see the number coins you got in your screen? See how it's less than what I need? Do the math and get busy, boy!"

"Nicely done, boy. Now some lucky someone in your life is going to be looking sharp as a swan in that get-up. What size neck do you have?"

Costume 3[]

"Man, have I got some smokin' threads for you! Check out this freaky deaky. It's all secret agent and stuff. You give me some of that fine coin, playa, I'll give you these fine duds, you dig?"

"Hey, now, you know that ain't enough, man! Get on out of here! Come back when you really want to talk some business!"

"Come on, man, 'sup? That still ain't enough bread! I don't care how you get it, but you bring me some more bling, sucka."

"OK, homie, you get your booty back out there and you don't come back until you have the right amount of coins! What kind of business you think I'm runnin' here?"

"Hey, hey, now were talkin'! Man, wait until all them felines get a peek at you in them fine threads! Look out, Snoopy baby, ouch!"

Power Crystal 1[]

"You're that Crash-guy, right? You're-re-re-re looking for Power Crystals? Well I-I-I-I-I kind of owe a lot of money to some... some people right now, so I-I really need to sell this crystal. They're going to take my thumbs! PLEASE! BUY THIS FROM ME, PLEASE!

"[mumbling] THIS ISN'T ENOUGH! This-this doesn't even cover the vic! Go out there and get more! I-I-I think they're going to take more than my thumbs if you don't hurry! Hurry!

"Please, Mister Crash, please, you don't know how scared I am! I can't sleep, I can't eat! Don't you care? Don't you care? Look at me, I'm shaking!"

"Please hurry, Mister Crash, please! Por favor! Por favor, hurry Mister Crash, please! Please hurry, Mister Crash, please!"

"Oh thank you, thank you so much, but you-you have no idea how much I need this right now! Take this stupid crystal, it's yours! I'm going to get a pizza!"

Power Crystal 2[]

"Hey ya, fella, thanks for comin' by. You gonna buy something? Come on, I need this, my wife is going to leave me if you don't buy something from me!"

"What? That's it? I need more than that. Come on buddy, can't you do a little bit better, just a bit? I'm too old to start over in another town."

"What are you doing to me man?! My wife will take my kids! She'll marry my brother! I CAN'T GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN!!!! Please, get me the coins."

"You're just mean, you know that? Mean! I don't deserve this! Oh, maybe I do a little bit."

"Ah, thank you buddy! Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I needed this! I lost a bundle buying internet stock, then, I don't know, being an evil henchman seemed like a good idea."

Power Crystal 3[]

"Power Crystal for sale! Excellent, slightly used Power Crystal for sale! Stolen from my employer and now available for the public."

"Uh-oh, sorry there, Mister Fuzzypants, looks like you a little light down below. Come back and see me when you got more under the hood, okay?

"Yep, looks like we're still a little light down below and up top, I'm starting to believe."

"Okely dokely, you're starting to scare me now a little bit, sir. Please move on and don't come back until you have my coins. I will call the authorities, they won't come, but I will call them."

"Well here you go, Mister Man, one stolen Power Crystal for use by you wherever and whatever you feel like. Okay, as for me, just forget we ever talked, okay?"

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks[]

Costume 1[]

"Wait, what? Timmy's in the well?! Lead the way, boy!"

"Oh, I see. Timmy's fine. You want me to give a job to that weird Cortex kid?"

"Oh well look here. I'm not just gonna give away a job to somebody who wants it. I'll need about a dump truck of money before I give a job to that scary kid."

"Sorry there doggie, or... whatever you are. There is no way I'm letting a chick that weird touch the park's process meat-like patties without a serious bribe."

"Um, maybe you didn't hear me, Rover. I need one metric dump truck of money before I hire the scary kid. Got it?"

"Hey, what are you doing back here, doggie? Beggin' for treats?"

"Well, forget it. Go and get my money like I asked."

"OK, buddy, this should be enough money to overcome my serious principles. Your weird friend gets the job."

Costume 2[]

"Greetings, Crash Bandicoot of the future. This is furs of your great-great grandpappy, Grunt Bandicoot, of prehistoric times. I like give to you, but I need Botox treatment! Pay the cost in Wumpa Coins, and I like givin' furs to you."

"Me plastic surgeon charge many coins for Botox, and you no bring 'nuff! Come back when you have more coin!"

"Me look like dummy to you? This no correct amount Wumpa Coin! I say bring correct amount of Wumpa Coin!"

"It's getting old, Crash Bandicoot. You still! Have! No! Right! Amount! Wumpa Coin!"

"Ahhhhh, yes! Now my cheeks and forehead lines go away smooth with monies for Botox! You nice boy! Your granddaddy skin looking good on you! Live long and prosper." 

Power Crystal 1[]

"Hey Crash, I got a little offer for you. When I was cleaning the toilets, I came across this beauty of a Power Crystal. Now you give me enough money, to leave this dump, and it's all yours. Hmmm."

"What? Are you playing with me? Do you think I like it here? Like having to dress like this? Like... walking the same piece of dirt day in and day out? I have dreams you know, dreams and ambitions! Get me my money!"

"Again, you come back here to haunt me, LIKE SOME KIND OF HAUNTING THING?! HAUNTING AND... [stuttering] ...AND COMING BACK?! GAH! [stuttering] BRING ME THE COINS!!!"

"Aw just get me the money, please! I don't wanna clean more toilets! You wouldn't believe the things I find in there! It's not all Power Crystals, you know!

"Buddy, I am so happy to unload this thing and get out of here! I swear, it's like 200 degrees in this suit, huh? When my shift is up, I'm on the first bus out of this deathtrap. You have fun here, though."

Power Crystal 2[]

"I know what you're thinkin'. You thinkin' 'there's one of Von Clutch's workers! I'll bet he's got a Power Crystal for sale!' Well I do, but, eh, that's no reason to be a jerk about it, jerk!

"So now you're back to taunt me, is that it? You don't have enough coins, but you're trying to buy this crystal! What a jerk, jerk!

"And here's the jerk, back for his jerky jerkedness, on the morning train to Jerktown, population: jerk!"

"And fresh from Jerktown, it's Jerky McJerk, jerkin' along back from Jerktown, with two full bags of bein' a jerk! Go get the coins, jerk!

"Whoo hoo! Look at the big spender, offering me money for my crystal! Don't hurt yourself there buddy when you hand that money over! Hehehehe, jerk."

Power Crystal 3[]

"Sir, sir, excuse me, sir, I think-I think I have something you want. Sir, please sir, do you have coins for a starving post-graduate student, sir, anything sir, coins or-or even some macaroni, I'll gladly give you this Wumpa Whip-covered Power Crystal I found."

"Sir, I may be poor, but I'm well educated enough to know this Power Crystal is worth more than that. I'm surprised that I had the willpower to say it, but you'll have to give me more money if you want this."

"Oh, big man wants to make fun of the poor drone by pressing his talk button over and over again. Does it make you feel big, mm-hmm, you feel big?"

"Oh, carry on."

"Yes, I know you have a talk button, I know you can press it, thanks very much for making me feel bad about myself. Just get the coins."

"Oh, currency, delicious currency. Now at last, I can eat. Thank you sir, thank you so much. Here's your Power Crystal. Take that student loan! [spits] I spit in my mask."

Tomb Town[]

Costume 1[]

"Hey buddy, you looking to find something for the lady in your life? Might I recommend the Embigulator 4000. This patented system of heavy things will turn even the most delicate of flowers into the toughest thing on two legs."

"Um, sir. Maybe you're not familiar enough with our base-ten counting system to understand this, but YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!"

"You need to stop coming back here till you get more money! Come on, man, it's people like you that are holding me back!"

"Stop botherin' me and get me those coins! Don't you want rewards? Don't you want 100 percent complete in your life? Get movin' already!"

"Now we're talkin'! Any woman with the desire to kick tails will appreciate this look."

Costume 2[]

"You're Crash! I've been watching you on TV, whoa, you... are... awesome! Hey, can you do me a little favor? You rock! I'm such a bandicoot fan that I'd be like totally honored if one of you bandicoots wore this special park souvenir outfit I made, I swear it's perfect brah, I mean I can't give it to you, but I'd be like honored if you bought it or something, 'K?"

"Nah, geez Crash, I like totally give you a discount but I can't, bro. If I gave this away I would like I'll lose my job for sure, my boss going [gibberish]."

"Crash! Gah. I wanna help you, I mean you're all like the best dude, I love all your games and albums, even your unreleased spoken word album with the music of the cosmos, buddy, but I can't give you a discount, huh, I'm gnarly bummed, come back when you have more coins bro, please."

"Crash! Nawww! What are you doing this to me?! I can't just give this to you, bro, I swore the headsman's ohohohohohoh!"

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Do you want me to support Crash I promise this will fit Crunch to a T, sharp-dressed man, make him look like the baddest furry thing on two legs a-whoooooo!

Costume 3[]

"Greetings, Crash Bandicoot. I think it would be splendid to turn the tables on old Doctor Neo Cortex. Why I think you would make a wonderful mad scientist yourself. For a reasonable sum of Wumpa Coins, you can take on the persona of an insane technician of the scientifical arts. I'll see you in a few."

"Oh come now, Crash, I know I look simple, but those funds simply won't do. I'm buying a flight to Cucamonga and I always travel first-class. Come back when you have more money."

"Really? I'm getting mad, Crash. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Come back when you have the right amount."

"You can keep coming back, Crash, but until you tender the correct amount, this suit will stay on the shelf. What a stubborn little bugger."

"Ah, yes, the proper amount for the proper outfit. You, my dear boy, will be the envy of psychopathic maniacs everywhere. Play nice."

Power Crystal 1[]

"Psst, Crash, I got a Power Crystal here for sale. Take it off my hands, wouldya lad?

"Come on fuzzsack, that's an insult! Go get me some more coins and then we'll talk!

"Yeah, call that enough? You're gonna be kidding me, fuzzball. Go bounce around till you earn more."

"Hey, what's the story, fuzzbutt? You need more cash! Go earn more cash!"

"Oh, sweet currency. Von Clutch pays us nothing, that dirty rat. This is how I pay my rent. See?"

Power Crystal 2[]

"Hey, mack, can you help an evil henchman down on his luck? I need to unload this Power Crystal ASAP."

"Oh, what are you doing to me? You're just trying to get me riled up, aren't ya? Build me up so you can tear me down?

"[crying] Now you're just trying to chip away at my self-esteem, cause a shame spiral that I can't get out of! You're mean, meanie!"

"No, just leave me alone. I'm so sad, this used to be such a nice place, gumdrop rainbows and chocolate milk lakes. Now everyone's just mean. Get more coins, meanie!"

"Oh, thank you Mister Crash. You have no idea how much I want to quit being an evil henchman. Maybe I'll go back to college, become an evil dental assistant or something."

Power Crystal 3[]

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'I'll bet that handsome man has a Power Crystal.' Well, you're right, my friend. I've got me one of the shiniest, most sparklified Power Crystals you've ever seen and I'll part with it for a sum of coins I deem to be very reasonable."

"So that's what you call a reasonable sum of coins, sir? You've got emotional problems if you think that's enough money. I assure you that my sides are splitting right now."

"Ah! Again, you come back here trying my patience. I should teach you a combined lesson in manners and fisticuffs for your insolence. Get me my money, you darn, dirty bandicoot."

"You're asking for a taste of the back of my hand, you know. Well, I'll give you a taste, my furry companion, a taste and then some."

"Now that's what I call a tempting sum of cash, reasonable and acceptable. I have just the place for that in my retirement fund. Here's your Power Crystal, enjoy it, like I have.

Astro Land[]

Costume 1[]

"Greetings, Crash Bandicoot. You are seeking a change of appearance that will magnify your persona with the young ones, am I correct? I believe this 'hip-hop' type of outfit will serve that function, nicely! Tend to the correct amount of Wumpa Coin currency and you will be all that!"

"Perhaps I was not clear on the proper purchase amount of these fine threads of clothing, jerk! You shall return to the land and bring back the correct amount of currency!"

"This transaction appears to have complications. You haven't the proper amount of Wumpa Coins to achieve the 'hip-hop' superstardom you hope to seek. Come back when you have more funds."

"This is growing tiresome. Please tend to the correct amount of cash, homeboy! In case you have not noticed, this is not a charity! Be gone with you, I'm out!"

"Congratulations! This is the moment you have longed for! You will be moonwalking and doing the robot before you know it! Worrrrrd!"

Costume 2[]

"Listen up furrball! You wanna get on Von Clutch's good side, I recommend you get him a present. I can tell you for a fact, he likes park souvenirs. Like this, it's got a real nice profit margin on it, and he likes that."

"Yo, sorry, furrball. Money can't buy love but enough of it'll buy the old geezer's respect. Come back when you ready to deal, OK?"

"Agh, what's wrong, furrface? Why you talking to me? You need more money, more money, more money, capiche?"

"Hey, what's the matter with you? You forget how to spin? Get busy and get the money already! Geez!"

"Oh, you made a deal. OK, here's your little butter-up gift. If he doesn't like it and you want you money back, too bad! Hehe, leave me alone, got it?"

Costume 3[]

"Aye there, mate. The captain went off with some dancing green lass. And the only thing they find is a space costume! Go figure. Well, [gibberish] lit up like a Christmas tree, uniting the new ship commander! Guess we won't be needing this old thing anymore! She looks snappy on ya, and I'll let you have it for a sum!"

"Ohhh, have ye no concept of value, laddie? More coins'll put you in this fine military uniform. Impress the ladies at will. Come and see me when ya have more money!"

"Now that's offensive, laddie, even to a Scotsman. Now find a little more money and this fine piece o' clothing will be yours!"

"Alright, laddie! Enough is enough! Get [gibberish] school! COME BACK WHEN YE HAVE MORE CASH!!"

"Now that's more like it, laddie! Maybe you'll be lucky and find that green lass of your own with that suit! Okay, beam me up, me! [makes a series of incoherent space-like noises] SHUT UP, LADDIE."

Costume 4[]

"[laughs] Okay, hold the phone, sweetie! You look like a bandicoot in need of a fashion overhaul. Drone eye for the bandicoot guy, honestly. Fur, eyebrows, are we kidding in today's world? Wouldn't you rather be wearing? [whispering] I don't know. Stuff like this."

"Sir, [chuckles] you must be kidding. You couldn't buy my attention for that small sum of money. [laughs] I mean, I love ya, but come back when you got a little more jingle in your pocket, 'K? Weirdo."

"Maybe you could use some brains in your head to go with that little jingle in your pocket, honey. You need more money, weirdo! Come back when you have more money!"

"OK, see, how about some common sense to go with the brains and the jingle and the funny hair sticking up all over the place? Come back with some more money, weirdo."

"Very good, sir. This is just the look for you. Elegant yet commanding for the mutant on the go!"

Power Crystal 1[]

"Hello there, sir! Step right up and buy yourself a genuine Power Crystal. Made with only the finest power and crystal, this is a beautiful example of the species, and can be yours for only a small sum of coins."

"And what's wrong with you boy? You must've had trouble in school, when they told you what numbers were bigger than other numbers. Run along fuzzy, you bother me."

"Again you come back to me. Why boy, why? Do I have a dog biscuit or beaver cookie in my pocket or something? Away with you, already!"

"Now look, its the beaver! What are you doing here B? Don't you have a dam to build or something? Get me those coins, boy!"

"There you are my good boy! Run along now, and enjoy this Power Crystal as I have."

Power Crystal 2[]

"You there! Buy my Power Crystal! Buy it, maggot! You have no choice! Gimme the money I want! Buy it!"

"What? What the heck is this? Why are you even talkin' to me? Get outta here, you bum! You yankee!"

"What are you doin', man? Get me those coins! You think this is how I wanna end up in life? Nooo! Get outta here!!"

"You lousy bum. Comin' here with your fur and nose and get my hopes up and then you got nothin'! Oh, I need to be left alone for a while. Get the coins. I gotta take care of Granny."

"Alright, here you go, you lousy bum. Take your crystal and go, like all the others. Just... leave me alone. ...With my memories. ...And my metals."

Power Crystal 3[]

"Psst, hey, pal. I know you're looking for Power Crystals. Well, I got the right one here. It's a good one too! [sniffs] Smells like cinnamon, so, you know, you know, it's good!"

"Aw, what are you doing to me? Here I am risking my neck selling this thing, and you insult me like this! Get outta here, you fuzzy bum!"

"Look... [stammering] don't you know the chances I'm taking here? I can't just stand around all day trying to sell Power Crystals. I got hobbies, you know. I'm an active balloonist!"

"That's right: balloonist! It's so nice up there, I can almost forget what a lousy job I have. Almost."

"OK, quit. Just take it before someone catches me selling this thing."

When attacked by Crash[]

  • "Now I'll never have little kids!"
  • "The pain!"
  • "World of pain!"
  • "Great. Like my job wasn't bad enough."
  • "My bones... and organs."
  • "My pancreas!"
  • "Ow, my spleen!"
  • "Ow, my lower intestine!"
  • "Oh oh, my duodenum."
  • "Ow ow, my stomach!"
  • "Oh, there goes the diaphragm."
  • "Ow, gah, my groin."
  • "That's discomforting."
  • "Ow, my cerebellum."
  • "Oh, my... medulla oblongata."
  • "Oh, my trachea."
  • "Oh, my capillaries are on fire."
  • "Oh, my lungs hurt."
  • "Oh, my knee bone."
  • "Ow, that's gonna leave a mark."
  • "Oh, I think he got my kidneys."
  • "My clavicle is shattered."
  • "Oh, I think I tore a rotator cuff."
  • "Ow! That's gotta be a hernia."
  • "I don't think my liver's in the right place."
  • "Ow! Right in the bipolar disorder."
  • "What's the big idea?"
  • "Ow! Sufferin' sciatica!"
  • "Ouch! My insurance fraud!"
  • "Thanks. Thanks a lot. Ohhhh..."
  • "Oh, whatga whatga whatga whatya done?"
  • "Oh Kremlin Kremlin crackers!"
  • "What's your major malfunction?"
  • "Ow, my crystals!"
  • "That just wrong!"
  • "You broke me coccyx, that's me bum bone!"
  • "You broke my coccyx, that's my bum bone!"
  • "Hey! You broke my coccyx! What happened? That's my bum bone!"
  • "No you broke my coccyx, that's my bum bone!"
  • "That's it! I'm calling the Henchman Abuse Hotline!"
  • "I'm calling the Henchman Abuse Hotline!"
  • "I am calling the Henchman Abuse Hotline."
  • "OK, enough, I'm calling the Henchman Abuse Hotline."
  • "I'm calling the Henchman Abuse Hotline! Got that number on speed dial."
  • "Not in the wallet! Not in the wallet!"
  • "My attorney'll be calling ya."
  • "Ouch! I bruise easily!"
  • "Bad dog! Bad dog!"
  • "Ow! Malfunction!"
  • "Ow! My professor!"
  • "Ow! My circuits!"
  • "Ohh! My cossacks!"
  • "Ow!"
  • "Ouch! Oh! No! Please! Don't do that!"
  • "Stop!"
  • "I get used to this kind of abuse."
  • "I broke my arm, get me a panda bear!"
  • "I broke my arm, get me... software."
  • "Give me a surfboard!"
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