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This is a list of quotes said by Ebenezer Von Clutch in Crash Tag Team Racing. ( video 1), ( video 2).

NOTE: Words in italics are those that are likely spelled incorrectly, and will need to be verified.

Cutscenes[]

  • "Pasadena, Villie, I only have a short time before I'm kaputsky! We must find more racers! Is there no dummkopfs among you, to accept the challenge of the greatest race of all time?"
  • "Zee world renowned evil doer Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex, I have all your games! For a moment here, I think all is lost for Von Clutch. But, when I see my favorite video heroes, my fingers tingle with joy!"
  • "Nnnnnein! I need more racers to recover mein Power Gems! Whoever is first to win all the Power Gems, wins the ownership of mein park! Und look, even my beloved Black Power Gem is gone!"
  • "Ah, that's mein jolly park mascot, Villie Wumpa Cheeks."
  • [responding to Coco's conclusion] "Wumpa Whip?"
  • "That's ridiculickalickalous! I mean, who drinks Wumpa Whip anyway?"
  • "[after Willie's confession] Villie? Mein jolly park mascot? Don't tell me anymore! I can't hear you! Weißte ich kann nicht hörn diese Lügen! (I know I cannot hear these lies!)"
  • "Ach, quick! We must schtop him! We have only moments left, und we must get mein Black Power Gem before I'm kaput!
  • [introducing the Astro Land world] "Warning cosmic travelers, up here in the dankness of schpace lies the greatest fears you all will face! Hahaha!"
  • "Ach du lieber! I'm feeling wonderful, ja! Crash my boy, I own it all to you! Danke schon! Free lifetime passes to all ze Bandicoots, ja! Hip-hip hooray! hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip- [Crash accidentally knocks out the Black Power Gem] -hip... [he falls over]"

Missions[]

Mission 1[]

  • "Ahh, Crash Bandicoot. You're admiring mein beautiful automacar, ja? It's so lovely I would make it my wife if I could. Please Crash, bring me mein Power Crystals so that I may make zis beautiful creature come to life!"
  • "What is wrong with you, Crash? I am needing more power to bring zis beauty to life! Do you think I enjoy being slow? Enjoy being laughed at?! Bring me ze Crystals if you want exciting races! Exciting races mean people on TV watch you, Crash. Watch you win, then you will be a big star, ja?"
  • "Ohh, darling, why do you torture me so?! I need mein Crystals for mein car! Do you not understand zis? Don't you care?"
  • "Okay. Okay, I am done talking to you. Look. This is me not talking to you. GITZ THE CRYSTAL BEFORE I BLOW MY SCHNITZEL!!"
  • "Alive! Alive! Joy, mein car's alive! Come Crash, to ze races and I will show you real driving! Prepare to be schlaughtered!"

Mission 2[]

  • "Hey Crash, I think you're liking zis car, ja? Perhaps I will give it to you for many park tokens... Many!"
  • "Whatz is this? Oh, surely you are joking, Crashikins, ja? Joking... you cannot buy a ride on mein jolly jumper with this few coins!"
  • "Again you return without the coins I asked for. Ha ha ha, this is a joke, ja? One of your little funnies. Oh, how I used to laugh..."
  • "Und now the joke is a little tired, ja? Why do you do this? Wait, come back here! Perhaps you like Von Clutch, ja? Perhaps Von Clutch should embrace you."
  • "Oh, you have been a busy hairy beaver, ja? Or whatever species you are. Okay take your coins und I give you this car! Make with ze exciting races!"

Mission 3[]

  • Oh, Crash darling. I am so glad it is you, ja? The time, she flies and still mein black power crystal is nowhere to be found, but as mein Papa would say 'When in doubt, build a bigger tank!' Find me a Power Crystal, ja? Und I will be using mein best vehicle! For your help, I will give you many coins."
  • "Crash, you dummkopf! What is wrong with you? Some problem with your brain? Perhaps I should take it out und show it to you!"
  • (Apologizing to Crash for getting mad at him) "Oh I'm sorry darling. Bring me a power crystal und all is forgiven!"
  • "Crash! Again you come back. Perhaps your brain condition is serious, hmm? Perhaps you have a tumor like a golfball. FORE! I love golf! Hmmhmm. My desire to open your brain is growing by ze minute, ja?!"
  • (Apologizing to Crash for getting mad at him the second time) "Sorry, oopsy daisy, my bad! I'm a bit cranky ja? GO GET MEIN CRYSTAL!!!!"
  • "Crash, you are getting me mad, ja? I swear you will do what I ask or I will strike you down. Reanimate you und strike you down again!"
  • "AHAHAHAHAHAHAA!! Oh happy day! Mein vehicle is schmoking hot, ja? On the racetracks I will do much damage! To za races Crash! Perhaps we will work together, ja? Und please take ze coins, spend them as you will, stay up late, I don't care."

When interacting with Crash[]

  • "Ack! Crashn Bandicoot! Welcome to mein park!"
  • "Crash, do you like Wumpa strudel? Good! Get me some."
  • "Hallo Crash! Where's mein Crystals? Any luck yet?"
  • "Crash! Mein black power gem must be founded. Help!"
  • "Hallo Crash Bandicootin! When zis is all over we get weenies und cider, ja?"
  • "Oh! You-You startled me, ja? Well go about your business. Sneaky poo hmm."
  • "Ack! Who are you? What are you wanting with me? Oh, hallo Crash."
  • "Crash, did I ever tell you about mein service in ze war? Nein? Good."
  • "Greetings mein orange customer! What is your driving pleasure?"
  • "Oh mein goodness! Crash Bandicoot! My videogame hero! I want autographn, ya?"
  • "Well hello there! My namen is Ebenezer Von Clutch. I like schpeed und violence."
  • "Hello! Have you seen Willie Wumpa Cheeks? I'm sirsty!"

When attacked by Crash[]

  • "Right in the transmission, whoa!"
  • "Oh, mein life is getting worse."
  • "You know I like when you play rough."
  • "I zought we were friends!"
  • "The pain of it all!"
  • "You hurt mein feelings...und mein organs."
  • "You are cruel! Cruel like...sausage!"
  • "Zat was so mean!"
  • "Mein strudel is kasplutten!"
  • "Mein is bleeding inside."
  • "Owww!"
  • "Ohh, that really smarts!"

When starting a race[]

  • "Zis is where I make all of you look bad."
  • "Oh, the pitbull is ranging through mein carburetor! I'm feeling powerful! Und a little crazy."
  • "Okay, let's get this over with. I got to go make pishee."
  • "Once I have control, I will do away with you all."
  • "Von Clutch will win! You can go home."
  • "Oh, the anticipation is excruciating! Hope it lasts, ja?"
  • "I hope my dear mati is watching on the crystal ball. Hallo, mati!"
  • "I hope this doesn't take too long. I have a chemical peel in one hour."
  • "Ja, ja, ja. May the best cyborg win. And we all know who that is."
  • "Victory is in the palm of mein hand! Hallo, victory, you're very cute down there."

When starting from a standstill[]

  • "Mein backside is pretty, no?"
  • "Mmm, I love doing that!"
  • "Von Clutch impresses you with violent noises, ja?"
  • "I love the sweet stench of burning rubber!"
  • "Heavens! I'm bursting wis restless energy!"
  • "Schtop your grinin und grab your linin!"
  • "Mein surging parsche is hard to contain, ja?"
  • "Look at me...DRIVING FOOLISH UND CRAZY!!!"
  • "Mein schmoke is intimidating, ja?"
  • "Tally-ho!"
  • "I am Ebenezer Von Clutch! Watch me roar!"
  • "As you can see I'm a little anxious, ja?"

When passing an opponent vehicle[]

  • "Ha ha ha ha! Mein backside says Allo!"
  • "How's the view from back there huh?"
  • "Oooh! I hope the camera got a picture of that move!"
  • "Okay playtime is over! Guten nacht!"
  • "Passing you makes me tingle with happy sensations."
  • "Ta-ta! I send you a postcard from Dusseldorf!"
  • "Mein speed is impressive, ja?"
  • "You love to see mein behind, don't you darling?"
  • "Von Clutch digest breakfast quicker than you drive."
  • "Beep beep! German cyborg coming through, ja?"
  • "Sprachen ze Deutsch, dummkopf?"
  • "So long, sucker!"

When passed by an opponent vehicle[]

  • "You embarrass Von Clutch with your swiftness."
  • "No, no, no. You go ahead, I'll be there in a minute."
  • "Go ahead I'm just taking a breether."
  • "I hope mein mati isn't watching, ja."
  • "Okay you take the lead for awhile, ja?"
  • "Every time you pass me I cry inside."
  • "Where are you going? Comein back here you!"
  • "Say hello to death and destruction when you get there, huh?"
  • "Hey you! Zis is mein park! Get in line!"
  • "Where did that creature learn to drive an auto like that?"
  • "Hey did I order you to passin' me?"
  • "Ohhoho the shame of being passed. No shame!"

When brushing against an opponent vehicle[]

  • "I fall down and go boomenhaggin!"
  • "I will deliver much pain und suffering upon you! Once I eat this strudel."
  • "Stay there. I will be back to pummel you next lap."
  • "Hey! Don't you like high-velocity pain?"
  • "Eouch! My neckbones! She's smashed!"
  • "Out of my way, shiggelbruver!"
  • "Schtop the spinning! Schtop the spinning!"
  • "Now that hurts. Oh yeah hahaoww!"
  • "We have ways of making you talk."
  • "We have to stop meeting like zis."
  • "Ouch! You crushed mein pinkie toe! Poor pinkie..."
  • "I drink off your pain like nectar! Hmmm tasty!"
  • "NO! Mein auto is kaput!"
  • "Aw nuts! Mein tires are thirsting for your body fluids."
  • "Oww my monkey!"
  • "Achtung!"
  • "BRACE FOR IMPACT! OK, forget it."
  • "Hey! You're breaking mein concentration!"
  • "Is this the hardest you hit? Pathetic!"
  • "Good thing I'm insured for that huh?"
  • "The near death experience is invigorating ja?"
  • "Ah! Watch where you are going, schweinehund!"
  • "Ach du lieber! That was quite enjoyable, ja?"
  • "Shing! Stop zis crazy thing!"
  • "I hope zis qualifies for ze vocal compensation!" (Unsure about this one. He says it so fast!)
  • "Hahaha! That will keep you on your toes, ja?"
  • "Achtung! Meinell!"
  • "Haha! Ze violence is wonderful!"
  • "What kind of craziness is this, SCHWEINEHUND?!"
  • "Does anyone have an adhesive medical bandage?"
  • "Uh-oh, I sprang a leek in mein underpants."
  • "I'm driving here, dummkopf!"
  • "The feeling of no control is nice, ja?"
  • "Ah! You bent mein thrustbender!"
  • "Police! Police!"
  • "Dat was a close one!"
  • "Ach du lieb! Watch out!"
  • "Ja, ja, ja I almost hit you. So what?"
  • "Who gave this dummkopf a license? The department of motor-dummkopfs?"
  • "Please, stop! It hurts mein feelings when you do that."
  • "And I'll do it again, you weissenheimer."
  • "Get out of mein way!"
  • "Achtung, dummkopf!"
  • "Hey, the autobahn is for racing, not walking! Sheesh!"
  • "Oh, pardon me, dummkopf."
  • "Ach! Missed another one! I must be getting soft, ja?"
  • "Oh I bet his heart is racing now ja?"
  • "Mayday! Mayday! What do you mean there's not a parachute?"
  • "What kind of craziness is this, schweinehund?
  • "Ooh! I bruised mein pumpernickel."

When brushing against a wall[]

  • "Attack! Quick, to your battlestations!"
  • "Where is mein mechanic? Hallo, wo bist du!"
  • "I think this will come out with a little polish, ja?"
  • "INCOMING!!"
  • "Ach du lieber, I fixed that part yesterday!"
  • "Oh, that was painful. Now I cry."
  • "Ah, nothing a little shpitz of oil can fix, ja?"
  • "Ouchie! That hurts me more than it hurts mein auto!"
  • "Incoming!"
  • "Nawwch, I damaged my spiterrivets."
  • "Ach! You bashed mein bratwurst!"

When flying through the air[]

  • "Ze altitude! It's making me tingle! Hooo! Ting-le!"
  • "Ohhh! I'm a little bit airsick!"
  • "Strorders! Another bag of peanuts please."
  • "Ho ho he ha. Dis reminds me of my Messerschmitt!"
  • "Sheesh! I hope Von Clutch remembers how to land."
  • "[exclaims] This reminds me of the Hindenburg!"
  • "Agh. The view is breathtaking no? Can you breathe?"
  • "I'm flying through the air with the greatest of ease!"
  • "Like a bloated zeppelin, I float through the air, da da da da da dee da da."
  • "Hmmm. I wonder if we'll reach the English channel."
  • "Look out below!"
  • "Wonderful!"

When attacking an opponent vehicle[]

  • "Hooo! Von Clutch blitz through his strudel!"
  • "Und zhere's more where that came from dummkopf!"
  • "Do you love Von Clutch's present for you?"
  • "Fire in the hole!"
  • "Heh heh heh heh, I throw the bomb and it goes BOOM!"
  • "A spoon full of nitro makes my medicine go down!"
  • "You like Von Clutch's present for you, ja?"
  • "Oh a thousand pardons. Did it come out of me? He he!"
  • "Ja, there's more where that came from dummkopf!"
  • "Oh, you are quick like little monkey!"
  • "Oh pardon my shrapnel!"

When destroying opponent vehicle[]

  • "Serves you right for getting my way!"
  • "Oh how wonderful! Let's do it again ja?"
  • "Quick! Write down mein license plate!"
  • "Fahrn fahrn fahrn auf der autobahn!"
  • "Mein skills are sharp like razor, ja?"
  • "Dis is what happens when you play with fire und I'm a roaring flame!"
  • "I'm terribly sorry! NOT!"
  • "Hoohoo! Don't do that at home, kiddies!"
  • "It's my party und I destroy you if I want to!"
  • "Fahrn fahrn fahrn on the autobahn!"
  • "It's my party, I'll destroy you if I want to!"
  • "Hehe, oh ja, look at you now, dummkopf!"
  • "That was done on a closed track with a professional driver. Not!"
  • "Muzik. Nonschtop. Dummkopf!"

When destroyed by opponent vehicle[]

  • "Abandon ship! Abandon ship."
  • "Hohh. Mein ability to maim you is diminished, ja?"
  • "Mein auto controls is haywire. Medic!"
  • "This is a long way to walk home."
  • "Somebody call a taxi!"
  • "Ach du lieber, mein auto is kaput!"
  • "Hush, my precious. Time to sleep."
  • "Ohhh, nein! Mein Kübelwagen is no longer kubeling!"
  • "Somebody! Put mein auto out of its misery!"
  • "Schweinehund!"
  • "All is lost!"

When hit by a weapon[]

  • "Ouch! You bruise mein strudel!"
  • "Ack! Naughty, naughty, naughty!"
  • "Hey you! Dummkopf at the controls! Pay attention!"
  • "Hey, watch where you are aiming that thing!"
  • "Why do you hurt Von Clutch dummkopf?"
  • "Wait, what is those crazy bells ringing in mein ears?"
  • "Ow. That schtings."
  • "Quick! Put on your gas mask!"
  • "I'd like to buy a vowel. Whoops, wrong game."
  • "Hey! I zought we were friends."
  • "Hey! Do you know how much these vehicles cost dummkopf?"
  • "Ack! I've been sizzled like a sausage!"

When breaking a trackside target[]

  • "I wonder why it is impossible for me to open that gently? Oh, well!"
  • "You see what you made me do, schweinehund?"
  • "Big money, big money, big money!"
  • "I'm hoping something wonderful awaits me in there!"
  • "I break you open und taste your little kiskash."
  • "Von Clutch is a meister of breaking! Watch me break!"
  • "It's like cracking a hard little hazelnut."
  • "Smashing is part of mein therapy. Honest."
  • "Come to me, mein precious!"
  • "I hope there's a treat for Von Clutch in there!"
  • "Show Von Clutch's goodies!"
  • "Smashing is good. Ja good."
  • "Umm, Coco did it."

When running over a park drone[]

  • "Oh, my sincere apologies! Ha!"
  • "Take THAT, defenseless one!"
  • "Von Clutch giveth und Von Clutch taketh away."
  • "Pull the strings, pull the strings!"
  • "Sprachen ze Deutsch?"
  • "Here are your papers!"
  • "Who turned out your lights? Me!"
  • "I know that shouldn't feel good. But it does!"
  • "Oh, Von Clutch is so sorry! Hehehehe!"
  • "Von Clutch is terribly sorry! Nein!"
  • "Hoo hoo! Just like a deer in the black forest!"
  • "Say guten nacht, schweinhund!"

When clashing[]

  • "More firepower, bigger wheels? Ahh! I'm in heaven!"
  • "What do you know? It fits!"
  • "Together we will rule ze world!"
  • "Let's swat us some flies, ja?"
  • "Very lucky you are to merge with Von Clutch darling."
  • "Two weapons of mass destruction are better than one, ja?
  • "Hey! You got some venzer in mein Kübelwagen! Or is my Kübelwagen in your venzer? Hm."
  • "Look at the wasteful size of this contraption! Arnold, eat your heart out!"
  • "Ja, ja, ja. Now to really wreck some havoc."
  • "Hey, this is quite pleasurable, ja?"
  • "Everyone wants to join with mein panzer, ja?"
  • "Before we merge, I must have you sign this prenuptial agreement, ja?"

When declashing[]

  • "Zis is not working out between us, ja?"
  • "Back of the line for you, ja?"
  • "Oh, and you have been faked out, ja?"
  • "Because that maneuver, the (unintelligible in German)."
  • "I'm sorry, you're not good enough."
  • "Perhaps some time alone would be good for us."
  • "Betrayal is just part of the game, ja?"
  • "I know we're friends, but mein is an evil friend!"
  • "Und Von Clutch pwns you for ze win!"
  • "Von Clutch makes his move!"

When picking up an item[]

  • "Oh I just love winning prizes!"
  • "Another goodie for mein goodiebag!"
  • "I wonder if zis is what Hanzel and Gretel felt like, ja?"
  • "Oooh! Another prize for Von Clutch! I'm such a good boy!"
  • "Zis prize is all mein. Sharing is for sissies!"
  • "Hoohoo! I'm running out of room in mein pockets!"
  • "Cha-ching!"
  • "Now you know why I'm called a packrat."
  • "What shall I use zis for I ask?"
  • "I told you we will live off the fruits of the land!"
  • "I have a special schpot for zis! Right here!"
  • "Prizes for the prizemeister!"
  • "Oh I am tingling wis delight. At least I think that's delight."
  • "I will never let you go again!"
  • "I know I will find a place for you somewhere."
  • "You thought you could hide from me, huh?"
  • "Oh, zis beautiful sparkly will never be taken from me again."

When winning a race[]

Normal[]

  • "Who let the dogs out? Bark, bark, bark, bark." (That's not what the lyrics are in the real song, but you don't have to edit this, though)
  • "Time to say bye-bye to Von Clutch!"
  • "Roll out ze barrel! I'm having a barrel of fun!"
  • "Beer und wieners for everyone."
  • "Of course, I'm precision German engineering! What else did you expect?"
  • "Zis was easier than that crazy time in France."
  • "I claim zis race for the motherland."
  • "Shower me mit money und love."
  • "Why do you make me beat you? You like beating ja?"
  • "The shame is all yours! Enjoy it!"
  • "I revel in victory! Are you watching me reveling, ja?"
  • "Come on everyone, you should be happy! The best man won!"
  • "Wis zis victory, I name zis park after me! Again!"
  • "Well, it could've been worse! Cortex there could've won ja?"

Without being destroyed[]

  • "Haha! Nice try dummkopf!"
  • "Von Clutch is quick and oh so nimble."
  • "Your defenses are easier than the national line!"
  • "Naughty, naughty, naughty."
  • "Try again dummkopf!"
  • "Hoohoo, zat was pathetic dummkopf!"
  • "It's not that you are bad, it's that I'm so good!"
  • "They missed me! That low-carb diet is working!"
  • "Nice try. You should get your glasses checked!"
  • "Heheheheh. Mein sister shoots better than you! And I don't have a sister!"
  • "Hmmm, it smells bad. 'Cause your shooting stinks!"
  • "Keep going! Your breaking the law of averages!"

When losing a race[]

Normal[]

  • "Oh, I just know I'll get sent to the Russian front."
  • "Ahh, no apple dumplings for Von Clutch."
  • "Oh boy. I'll surely get sent to the schtarlight zis time."
  • "This is sad. I think I will cry now."
  • "I demand a recount!"
  • "Zis is a conspiracy to rob me of mein sausages! I just know it."
  • "Zis should not happen to a cybernetic organism."
  • "Zis is surely a sad day for Germanic cyborg theme park promoters everywhere."
  • "Well it had to happen sooner or later, why couldn't it have been LATER?"
  • "Von Clutch is mortally wounded, but mein soul still burns."
  • "Where is mein sock monkey?" I must hug und cry into it."
  • "I must console myself with something to eat."

Without destroying anyone[]

  • "Shigglefoockle! I missed!"
  • "Ach, I want to hit him so bad I can taste it! Mm... not bad."
  • "Perhaps I shoot too soon ja?"
  • "Don't worry zhere's more where this came from!"
  • "Oh yeah? Next time I miss you worse! ...Um, scratch that."
  • "Silly schnitzel, I'm goofed!"
  • "I hoping the cameras miss zat embarrassing episode."
  • "Zis aiming contraption is kaput!"
  • "Za Nordic gods must be so angry with me."
  • "Hey now! You're the fly, I am ze swatter!"
  • "Apparently he doesn't know that that missile was for HIM!"
  • "Comein back here und take your medicine, schweinehund!"

Unused[]

Set 1[]

  • "Von Clutch has arrived! Let ze celebration begin!"
  • "It is lonely at the ze top, ja?"
  • "OK! Is mein park safe, yet? Aw..."
  • "OK, do I win the golden pretzel or what?"
  • "OK I'm here! Break out ze marmalade und ze fishing works."
  • "And not a minute to schpare."
  • "That was, ja, good, enjoyable, ja?"
  • "Music non-schtop, darling!!"
  • "Oh, thank heavens! Where's the rest room? I need to rest real bad."
  • "I'm just doing what I'm built for darling."
  • "I'm here! Where? Is? Everybody?"
  • "Take me to your leader! Hahaha..."

Set 2[]

  • "Quicken ze pace! Quicken ze pace!"
  • "Schnell, schnell, dummkopf!"
  • "Faster! The cuckoo clock is cuckooing!"
  • "Turbo-thrusters! Where is mein turbo-thrusters?"
  • "Perhaps now is a good time to unveil my vengeance weapons, ja?"
  • "Oh no, I'm running out of gears!"
  • "We must lighten ze load! Throw away ze engine!"
  • "I wish I hadn't schtopped for strudel back there."
  • "Quick! There is still a chance to win!"
  • "OK! Put some effort into it, dummkopf!"
  • "Hey, you at the controls! You are making me look bad!"
  • "We haven't a moment to schpare. Schnell!"
  • "Hey, you at the controls! You're making me look bad!"

Set 3[]

  • "Ugh, mein arthritis is acting up. I need a hot-tub with some frauleins, ja?"
  • "I wonder why Willie Wumpa Cheeks is acting so strange?"
  • "I hope Crash and Cortex don't win. I like living here and causing lots of pain."
  • "I would really like to gettn my helmet waxed when this is over with, ja?"
  • "I wonder where I can get some nice schneakers like Crash Bandicoot?"
  • "Uh-oh! I have an appointment with mein psychotherapist in at noon."
  • "I feel weakn in ze knees. Oh, where's mein black power gem?"
  • "Now what was that recipe? Ah, one big toe and seven goat lips! Or one goat lip and seven big toes? Hm."
  • "Shar! Look at zis wonderland!"
  • "''[unintelligible]'' eat your heart out!"
  • "When is this game over? Mein soap opera is on television soon!"
  • "Pasadena's a nice girl! I just wish she wasn't a parasitic rodent. Oh well."
  • "I wish nothing but happiness to all ze victims of my races!"
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